Saturday, July 25, 2009

Okay so here it is 3:00 am and I am wide awake. You ask Why? I really don't know. I have laid in bed for over an hour and just kind of layed there. I couldn't fall asleep.

Could it be that I am worried about Zoe with her father?
Could it be that I am worried about being a good step-mom to Lexi?
Could it be that I am worried that JR will never ask me to marry him?
Could it be that I still don't have any friends in Wichita Falls?
Could it be that I don't like staying home and not working?
Could it be that I don't know what to do with myself?
And on top of it all, I am angry at myself for questioning these things and not just relaxing and letting life happen?

My friend Jay tells me all the time re-effing-lax. He says I am one of the most tense people he knows and that I need to relax and let life happen.

Zoe will always have to go with her father.
I will eventually find my stride with Lexi and we will be fine.
JR loves me with all his heart and is going to ask. (I hope :-))
I will make new friends.
Work will start in a few weeks and I will bitch about not having any free time.
And I will figure myself out as time goes by.
And I need to stop being so angry.

I hate feeling out of control and that is my main problem. I have no control over certain things right now and it is so hard to deal with that. ARGHHHHHH!!!!

Life is not bad, in fact it is good...I just want better and that makes me feel guilty.

I know, I Sigh...why can't I?

Well, I guess I will lay down again and try to go to sleep. Love to all and I hope you are relaxing.


  1. i don't know what to tell you kid. i have no room to talk about relaxing. i don't know what to tell you about the friend thing, i thought jr, jay, and annie were you're buds but i guess you are looking for more "available" is that the right word, friends, ones you have more in common with (with the exception of JR)

    i love you and miss you, and i don't know much but i do know this.

    everything will or will not happen so there is really no point in stressing over it and either way you will figure it all out and cope with it in the best way that you can.

    it sounds too me like it's not so much relax as it is BE PATIENT.

    it's really easy to rattle off a list of praises and complaints and questions to God. but it's darn near impossible to come before HIM and just keep your mouth shut and listen.

    i would know because i struggle with it every day.

    in my prayers, blessings to you,


  2. All I can say is I'm right there with you. I struggle with the same things. Some days I get it right, some days I don't.

    Wishing you peace.